50 Reasons Why The Unhappy New York Article Is Bull$*#^!

Laura Argintar published this article on Elite Daily titled “50 Reasons That Prove Why New York Is Actually The Unhappiest City In America”.

oh-no-you-didnt-28

I took some time to repudiate her claims. As a life-long, native New Yorker – I felt it necessary.

1. There are no decent or private places to cry, making you even unhappier when you’re already upset.

You’re a New Yorker goddamnit, you don’t give a shit if people see you crying. You don’t need a pansy ass crying space. Get over yourself.

2. Just sitting down in a cab costs you more money than a latte (except if it comes from Starbucks).

I have a scrabble game for you: B,D,N,Q,R,G,F,2,3,4,5,6,7

3. No matter how early you leave, you’re always 10 minutes late.

Our complex – yet easy to navigate – subway system runs consistently. In addition, Google Maps can give one the precise time of departure required in order to avoid a tardy arrival. Furthermore, one can exact where to position themselves inside of the subway cart releasing them at the precise exit required that is closest to their destination.

4. Everything there goes to die: trees, savings, pedestrians on the crosswalk.

That’s Florida.

5. There’s absolutely no way to tell if the hot guy on the subway is a hipster or homeless.

He’s both.

6. Every time you’re feeling good, a model walks by.

There’s therapy for that.

7. The door on the outside is always a bigger deal than the club on the inside.

This sounds like a metaphor for your life.

8. Juices are more expensive than actual meals. 

swanson

9. It’s constant work, working out, or work to get out.

Then, as Ari said:

Ari GOLD

gtfo

10. The only people watching that takes place is people watching their dogs take dumps on the sidewalks.

::Rolling my eyes::

11. Rent costs more than college. Your apartment is smaller than your dorm was… even though you have more roommates.

You got me here – the rent is expensive, the apartments are small and sure, you are living with strangers but if you don’t appreciate why people make these sacrifices to live in this city then you can never truly call yourself a New Yorker. Tell em’ Jimmy!

NY Governors Race

12. There is no sense of privacy. Your neighbor can even see into your shower.

You wish.

13. There’s no such thing as an enjoyable subway ride.

False. Riding the train in the opposite direction of rush hour traffic is quiet pleasant, as is riding off peak times.

14. Dicks are everywhere: the bar, the Apple store, the David Barton gym…

you…

15. There is more traffic on a summer Friday than Lindsay Lohan’s bedroom experiences in an entire year.

Someone sounds a little jealous of Li-Loh …

lindsay-lohan-gift-bags

16. You pay an exorbitant amount of money not even to live in Manhattan, or anywhere near where you work for that matter.

Who wants to live in Manhattan? There are four other fucking cool ass boroughs you can live in that are way better.

17. Clubs are harder to get into than a girl-who-lives-on-the-Upper-East-Side’s pants.

Fuck clubs.

Fonz

18. Midtown is a constant reminder of how we failed corporate America and then dumped its remains in the microwave and produced Times Square.

What, now?

leonardo-dicaprio-inception-movie-meme-face

19. Because New Yorkers are actually known for their “f*ck you” attitude.

Yeah? And?! What’s the fucking problem?!

20. We take pride in a “Mexican” Grill chain, which originated in Denver (but the food is made with integrity guys!).

False, again! New Yorkers know the difference between an authentic taco truck, hole-in-the-wall-taco places and real Mexican food. The ubiquity of Chipotle makes it easier to grab a taco in a haste but we know it’s not real Mexican.

21. Because “The Real Housewives of New York City” always features the most miserable human beings, even when the show isn’t trying.

I legitimately do not even know what you are talking about.

22. We’re famous for always dressing in black, like living here every day is a continuous funeral.

That’s because you’re a comedian (ba dump dump chshshshshshshsh) 🙂

23. News Channel One never has any good news.

You have cable?

24. While we’re on the subject of media, Time Warner Cable is singlehandedly destroying any happiness or fulfillment that comes with watching television. And waiting around for the cable box to work itself out ruins any shred of patience a New Yorker has left. The only thing TWC upgrades is NYC’s level of misery.

This is not unique to New York, cable companies = misery everywhere.

25. Cockroaches double as roommates.

There are cleaning services for that.

26. When in doubt, you blame it on New York (or Giuliani, Bloomberg, de Blasio).

27. At the end of the day, the only available men are the ones working the Halal food carts.

Nope, they too are married with kids. Looks like you’ll be forever alone.

forever alone

28. Finding a parking spot is seriously the most rewarding part of your day. (Come on, it’s the little things, guys.)

As a driver, I will admit that there is a shred of truth to this statement. Finding a parking spot feels like this:

tina

29. The better part of your schedule is spent waiting: for the light to change, in-line for anything and for your next paycheck.

This is you.

leslie knope

30. You don’t get to know your neighbors, but you intimately know the backside and frontside of the people on your commute.

False again – I’m a born and bred Brooklynite and not only do I know MY neighbors, I know my mother’s neighbors and my mother-in-law’s neighbors and their neighbor’s neighbors. We Mr. Roger’s up in this bitch.

31. The most reliable guy you’ve met in the last six months is your weed dealer. And even he comes late.

False. My weed dealer is always on time. You need a more conscientious and punctilious weed dealer.

32. You are seriously taxed to live here.

33. Everything is either too close or too far.

What?! WTF are you saying!?

wtf-meme

34. Your mornings smell like hot garbage and defeat.

Nope. That’s the homeless man you brought home last night – the one you mistook for a hipster.

35. We consider a 2×2 grassy space, a yard.

Yeah, and…

36. Car horns become the soundtrack to your life.

I call that white noise.

37. We have some of the highest paid players on some of the worst performing teams.

Shit, you went there.

yonce nets

38. You need to take two showers to really feel clean here: one to wash away the grime, and one to wash away bad memories of the night before.

Sounds like your problem.

39. Your cab driver is mad at you for simply being here.

Refer to previous post.

40. Your dream apartment is just that: a non-existent fantasy.

Like the dreams of your life?

41. Everyone flees during the summertime. And hibernates in the wintertime.

It’s called “peak travel times”.

42. If you’re surprisingly having a good day, there will be a tourist who ruins it.

Yeah, if you hang out in Times Square.

43. Your doorman knows more about your personal life than your best friends.

That sounds like a first world problem.

first-world-problems

44. There’s always someone from out-of-town who wants to stay on your couch. You have yet to tell that person you can barely fit an entire couch in your apartment, let alone another person.

#thiswasyou

45. You believe this to be true: It takes a lot to shock you. As a New Yorker, you really have seen it all. And while you are numb to it, most of it would horrify the average person.

It’s called grit.

46. Due to the sheer price alone, a simple movie date is considered a “big step.”

No kidding. You’ve got a valid point here.

47. People wear sunglasses even when it’s cloudy because they don’t want to look you in the eye.

Have you ever stopped to consider that this may all be in your head?

48. It. Always. Smells. Bad. That smell? That’s called “air.”

49. For every nice person you come across, there are two people planning to steal your iPhone.

When you and your drunk friends are stumbling home at 3:00am, taking selfies of your duckfaces on your respective iPhones then …

George-Carlin

 

OR…

Rogers

 

50. Because no true New Yorker is actually surprised by the results of this study.

Respectfully and on behalf of all native New Yorkers: Fuck off.

 

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About Maya

I like words like "labyrinthian," "kerfuffle," and "serendipitous" because they're mellifluous. I love poetry, pumpkin ales, sangria, long summer days, Fall foliage, going out of my way to step on crunchy leaves in October, live music, Jazz, Salsa dancing, theater, film (foreign and indie), the arts (myriad varieties), dance (in theory and practice) and any place where I can sit outdoors and take it all in.
This entry was posted in Brooklyn, Why I Love New York, Writing, Poetry and Haiku and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to 50 Reasons Why The Unhappy New York Article Is Bull$*#^!

  1. I absolutely love everything about this! Thank you for posting it. I hate it when people make all of these assumptions about New Yorkers without actually living the grind. My biggest pet peeve stems from claim #49. No one wants to steal your sh*t!

    Definitely following your blog. I’m new to the WordPress world, but I hope to come across more bloggers like yourself.

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